masturbation: The Taboo of Self-pleasure
Written by The Chaotic Diaries of a Brown Girl
Let’s take it back to year 7 me, who had heard about “Redtube” from her friends at school. For those of you who know, “Redtube” was the “Pornhub” back in the day. I naturally acted like I also knew about this site but could only remember “Youtube” by the time I got home. I could not possibly go back and ask my friends what this magical site was called after denying my lack of knowledge on its existence! From that point onwards commenced my sexual relationship with Youtube; where I’d spend hours during my school holidays, my bedroom door blocked with bags, emphasising that I was studying and did not want the hiderance of my little sister during these intense study sessions. Instead, I would search for anything I could find on youtube that could give me the slightest of content that this mystery “sex video” site had and spent my day humping the office chair without knowing I was actually masturbating. At this point I did not know such videos were called “porn”.
My searches escalated as I became more skilful with my research, After this, i’d spend my evenings filled with disgust, shame and the fear that I was certainly going to hell.
Below is the evolution of my research:
Kissing
Girl and girl kissing
Man and woman kissing
Tongue kissing
Snogging
Sexy people kissing
And with experience, progressed to:
Bad Teacher (to which often only the Cameron Diaz movie trailer came up)
Naughty teacher, naughty student
And eventually just “sex”
Before you overly appreciate my skills in finding the sexual content I needed one way or another, and find my commitment inspiring, I think you all deserve to know the truth. Sometimes I would spend hours “researching” before I even landed on one video. I also did not know anything about deleting internet history or that it could be viewed by anyone. I would just click “back” as many times as I could, until it took me back to the Google homepage and cancel the tab. Here I was thinking I was a genius as my mother would only think I had searched for google on her computer, one she used every single day once she was home from work.
My mother is a very conservative and traditional woman, and a conversation addressing this at that point in time would have only happened in a dream. Man was I sorry for traumatising her once I learnt of the true nature of browsing history. I’m sure the awful grades for my end of year exams in year 7 were self-explanatory.
This, about a year later would turn into humping my sofa late at night and switching through television channels as watershed began (after 9pm on television and certainly not appropriate for children), hoping to get a glimpse of boobs or people kissing. Can I just say, “four in a bed” is a very misleading title for a house hunting show. That’s all I have to say on that.
Our early days of discovering masturbation commences with humping your favourite teddy, pillow, anything really. We don’t always realise that this is masturbating or even know what the word means then, just that it feels good. This gets us very creative in the sex toys we make ourselves. I remember someone telling be about her makeshift dildo, one very accessible in the kitchen – a carrot. As I stared at this tempting, edible, potential sex toy, world hunger clouded my mind. The guilt of wasting the very appealing carrot ruined this potential experience for me.
I feel as though we do not speak of masturbation enough. Not as much as we speak of sex. There is more shame in speaking of the former than the latter. Self-pleasure is one of the most important forms of pleasure. I mean, how are you expecting one to perform Harry Potter magic on your vulva when you yourself don’t know what you like or how to pleasure yourself? It feels very shameful to speak of self-pleasure, especially for women. I remember being told by horny teenage boys how “flicking the bean” was “disgusting” whilst they would share stories of their “masturbation contests” they had with fellow peers at a young age.
My point here is this shame carries on into the adult life; from praying for forgiveness for the sins committed at 13 to cringing whenever the topic of masturbation is brought up. I sincerely think that masturbation is what helps various aunties in their pleasure-lacking sex lives. Masturbation is the time you give to figure yourself out – your desires, needs, wants etc. Getting to know these can drastically improve your health too, given the neurochemicals released during the act and the strengthening of the pelvic floor. It’s a stress-reliever, one not only reserved for men. It aids sleep given the release of oxytocin and melatonin post orgasm, aids body-positivity with the acceptance and love you learn to give yourself and can even be seen to improve heart health given the rise in your heartbeat as you climax. My favourite benefit of the act is its use to relieve menstrual cramps! The flood of endorphins whilst you orgasm will aid drastically to shift your focus away from the pain and more on your pleasure and relaxation.
Masturbation does not ruin your sexual experiences with a partner. If anything, it will allow you the confidence to better communicate your needs to your partner(s), allowing amplification of your sexual awareness. It relieves partners of the pressure that your body and pleasure is their duty to figure out entirely.
So no, you aren’t filthy for touching your own bodies. It’s a natural act and one which you should so pridefully participate in. One you should open the conversation of with your friends and normalise. An act you should attempt in the shower, a quick study break, appreciating the unique beauty of your vulva in front of a mirror and plenty more - you ought to learn to love your body right before ever expecting ultimate pleasure during partnered sex.
Trust me, of all things, I’m sure God is too busy to focus on how to punish a woman indulging in a little self-pleasure.
Masturbate shamelessly. It’s your body after all.
