Perverted uncles
Written by The Chaotic Diaries of a Brown Girl
I refuse to believe that nobody else sees it. I refuse to accept that it is just me with all of this enlightenment, that has observed various uncles and their perverted mannerisms.
At 10, I know someone who was told by an aunt not to hug her husband anymore as she had now become a grown woman, and would be influencing and enticing men to feel a certain way.
At 11, someone I know was told she had a “nice arse” whilst fixing her living room curtain in front of a male relative who was visiting, when they were left alone for a mere two minutes.
At 13, someone I know was told she looked like “Aishwarya Rai” by her great uncle who had returned from Sri Lanka after many years and was moving in with them. Little did she know that this would commence months of being stared at, relentless touching in the name of “massaging the poor, stressed girl” and abuse. Abuse so intolerable and infuriating that she once took a pen knife and impulsively cut the back of his wrist as “a joke”.
At 18, someone I know was told “what’s the use in a pretty girl if you cannot kiss her” after she spent time getting dolled up for a party. An uncle with two daughters of his own. He said this whilst standing with his friend, his friend nodding along. One too many drinks and some harmless fun for these uncles, a very uncomfortable night in her own skin for this girl.
As years passed, someone I know noticed her mother’s male friends, who she once looked at with admiration and respect, look everywhere but her eyes in conversation, get excited when speaking with her but a different kind of excitement, using strange words and phrases that were out of the norm, always wanting to hug her and rest their arms around her.
At 22, I know someone who was offered a job and wonderful privileges by an uncle, an uncle who appeared so sweet and helpful, only to later be pestered for dates and sex for the privileges she had received and further benefits. A Tamil uncle.
At 23, a girl I know was approached by her long lost uncle for a “private getaway”, at what she wrongly assumed was a few dinners of rekindling their close bond they had when she was much younger.
Do you see that Tamil women see a very different and very well or sometimes not hidden side of Tamil uncles?
And no, it’s not just me. It’s women of every generation that have experienced this. I am grateful for the fact that people from all walks of life feel comfortable opening up to me. I feel grateful for insight into deeper truths of their life that they are willing to share with me, truth they know that will forever remain with me. Truth that helps me understand the world through the eyes of others. What I speak of is nothing in comparison to what I know of. If you think it is just me who sees this, I’m sorry to shatter your romanticised view of life, but your mothers, aunts, why even grandmothers will understand the evil nature of uncles within our community.
This truth is just unspoken in order to avoid the invitation of trouble and to avoid being looked at as “the cheap kind that men would try it with”, a perception that would tarnish her future forever. She is silenced with this fear itself. But, when you actually look at it, every woman is that so-called “cheap kind”, surrounded by “cheap” men who will seize any opportunity within their potential.
Every woman in our generation has experienced some kind of trauma caused by a man whether they consider it minor or massively life changing. Do you really think this is exclusive to our generation? Exclusive to the generation that lives in a world that speaks up more than was ever possible, in comparison to the times our parents and grandparents were brought up in?
The gaze is what your fathers and uncles were protected from, never fell prey to, therefore never fully acknowledged or understood the drastic lengths uncles could and would go to. In the worst instances, they notice it and abuse the power bestowed upon them. I saw the gaze changing from uncles as I myself and others grew older. I have always been hyper aware and therefore hypersensitive to slight changes in behaviour and the way they look at younger women. The fact that us women have to be weary of how much we laugh, show physical contact, the way we show kindness, how much kindness we show etc to not be perceived as too innocent but just mature enough to show that we know our boundaries and aren’t the kind that uncles would disrespect boundaries with, shows the kind of privilege brown boys have. They don’t have to think in such depths over their interactions. They aren’t sexualised like we are.
It is a privilege to be a man in this society as many of my brothers and man-Tamil friends fail to notice what I notice as a woman. Why would they? They are never looked at as prey. How can I possibly tell them that their fathers, the men they idolise so much are the weird ones? Everyone thinks “not my dad” but trust me, it is many more of your fathers than you think. You will just never be seen as prey by them specifically or as prey at all, therefore you shall remain ignorant by choice. Ignorant over what happens to even those so very close to you, but you’ll never be prey so why should it ever cross your mind as concern? Right?
I am not saying this behaviour is exclusive to South Asian Uncles. It is everywhere.
